i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
