i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize