I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
