No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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