Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
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You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
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how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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