we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
And then he peed in my hair
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