Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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