omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
