I wish they made helmets for livers.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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