Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
