I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
