We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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