He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
