home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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