Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
