now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
