Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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