I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
