I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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