Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
