I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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