You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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