She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
