I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
