Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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