Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
