You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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