now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
