He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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