Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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