I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
