so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
