I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dating After Heartbreak
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?