I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
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Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot