my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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