im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
