Four minutes until I can fart!
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
