My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
