you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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