bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
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So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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