Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?