I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.