my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
