well I can't set my house on fire every night
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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