why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
