I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
