Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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