well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
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Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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