This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
