new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
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It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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