Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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