i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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