I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Randomize
