I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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