Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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