Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
