I have demons in me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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