Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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