My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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