i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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