if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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